things that go bump
Its not often in my life that I've ever had to contemplate my own mortality. The one time I truly thought I was going to die I was 6 and got hit in the chest with a football. It turned out that I had only been badly winded but in those excruitating seconds I was absolute sure my number was up.
This week I had to phone the doctors for the results of a blood test. I had found a lump behind my ear and one at the back of my skull, they were painless but I promptly got myself in front of the doctor nevertheless.
"Enlarged Lymph nodes", he said. "usually present when you're fighting off some infection but I couldn't find any infection. They are also associated with Lymphoma, though this is rare". Whoa, that's a cancer, right? He decided to send me off for a blood test. "Let's test this, this, this and this. And while we're at it we'll do this and those two as well." He seemed to be ticking alot of boxes for the lab. I felt a chill.
He handed me the lab chit, I read it. I saw my name and age and a voice in my head said Christ, am I really 33? The rest read like a plasma freak's shopping list: C-proteins, Liver function, Blood Sugar, Cholesterol.
Some reading the internet that night did nothing to ease the trickle of cold dread slipping down my neck like shards of ice.
"...Lymph nodes can become swollen from infection, inflammatory conditions, an abscess, or cancer. Other causes of enlarged lymph nodes are rare. By far, the most common cause of swollen lymph nodes is infection.
When swelling appears suddenly and is painful, it is usually caused by injury or an infection. Enlargement that comes on gradually and painlessly may, in some cases, result from cancer or a tumor."
Fuck!
I got myself off to the lab the next day. Needles are nobody's best friend but I'm okay with them. It was only after the nurse filled the fourth phial with my blood that I thought to ask how much of my precious life blood she wanted and did she do a sideline in voodoo rituals. However, I remained quiet. Voodoo priestesses can read your thoughts anyway, so I expected her to get all AngelHeart on my ass at any moment.
The bloods take two working days which meant calling for the results after the weekend. Of course this weekend seemed unsually puncuated with frequent references to cancer, leukeamia, hodgkins disease and lymphona. On TV, in the press, overheard conversations, it was everywhere. You really do notice things that are more relevant to your situation. Like a pregnancy scare, suddenly those little bastards are everywhere.
I tried not to worry, and I managed pretty well. I was bouyed by saturday morning's effortless rehearsal with our new bass player (more later) and firmly believe you can't worry about something until you need to. Though, when you've got two freaky bumps on your head thats easier said than done.
Monday morning I phone the surgery. The receptionist answers, and, as you'll see, makes the whole thing more stressfull than it needed to be.
"Oh, the nurse isn't here today, so I can only tell you if they are here or not."
"Er, okay."
"Yes, here they are. Ooh, there's quite alot back"
Is that bad?
"Would you like to see the doctor to discuss these?"
Why, whats wrong?
"Well, he told me to call, is there a need to make an appointment?"
"Only the doctor would know that."
"Well can you ask him then."
"He's due in in about 10mins, I'll call you back."
"Thanks."
2 hand-wringing hours later she still hasn't fucking called back. I call again. I really want to say "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING AT WOMAN, THERES SOME ANXIETY HERE YOU KNOW" but I haven't got it in me today.
Turns out theres nothing to worry about and the Doctor suggests I see him after Christmas if they haven't gone away. I'm relieved, I keep doing big sighs for about 10 minutes after I hang up. Then my thoughts turn to life insurance, cryogenics and sperm freezing.
This week I had to phone the doctors for the results of a blood test. I had found a lump behind my ear and one at the back of my skull, they were painless but I promptly got myself in front of the doctor nevertheless.
"Enlarged Lymph nodes", he said. "usually present when you're fighting off some infection but I couldn't find any infection. They are also associated with Lymphoma, though this is rare". Whoa, that's a cancer, right? He decided to send me off for a blood test. "Let's test this, this, this and this. And while we're at it we'll do this and those two as well." He seemed to be ticking alot of boxes for the lab. I felt a chill.
He handed me the lab chit, I read it. I saw my name and age and a voice in my head said Christ, am I really 33? The rest read like a plasma freak's shopping list: C-proteins, Liver function, Blood Sugar, Cholesterol.
Some reading the internet that night did nothing to ease the trickle of cold dread slipping down my neck like shards of ice.
"...Lymph nodes can become swollen from infection, inflammatory conditions, an abscess, or cancer. Other causes of enlarged lymph nodes are rare. By far, the most common cause of swollen lymph nodes is infection.
When swelling appears suddenly and is painful, it is usually caused by injury or an infection. Enlargement that comes on gradually and painlessly may, in some cases, result from cancer or a tumor."
Fuck!
I got myself off to the lab the next day. Needles are nobody's best friend but I'm okay with them. It was only after the nurse filled the fourth phial with my blood that I thought to ask how much of my precious life blood she wanted and did she do a sideline in voodoo rituals. However, I remained quiet. Voodoo priestesses can read your thoughts anyway, so I expected her to get all AngelHeart on my ass at any moment.
The bloods take two working days which meant calling for the results after the weekend. Of course this weekend seemed unsually puncuated with frequent references to cancer, leukeamia, hodgkins disease and lymphona. On TV, in the press, overheard conversations, it was everywhere. You really do notice things that are more relevant to your situation. Like a pregnancy scare, suddenly those little bastards are everywhere.
I tried not to worry, and I managed pretty well. I was bouyed by saturday morning's effortless rehearsal with our new bass player (more later) and firmly believe you can't worry about something until you need to. Though, when you've got two freaky bumps on your head thats easier said than done.
Monday morning I phone the surgery. The receptionist answers, and, as you'll see, makes the whole thing more stressfull than it needed to be.
"Oh, the nurse isn't here today, so I can only tell you if they are here or not."
"Er, okay."
"Yes, here they are. Ooh, there's quite alot back"
Is that bad?
"Would you like to see the doctor to discuss these?"
Why, whats wrong?
"Well, he told me to call, is there a need to make an appointment?"
"Only the doctor would know that."
"Well can you ask him then."
"He's due in in about 10mins, I'll call you back."
"Thanks."
2 hand-wringing hours later she still hasn't fucking called back. I call again. I really want to say "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING AT WOMAN, THERES SOME ANXIETY HERE YOU KNOW" but I haven't got it in me today.
Turns out theres nothing to worry about and the Doctor suggests I see him after Christmas if they haven't gone away. I'm relieved, I keep doing big sighs for about 10 minutes after I hang up. Then my thoughts turn to life insurance, cryogenics and sperm freezing.
posted by Phil at 12:47 pm
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